so, i really don't know or care how to start this or exactly what i'm going to say... i don't even have a title. it's been a while since i updated so there's some things i would really like to say... but not all at once, i'll spare you guys :)
this past month has been really interesting. I've done everything from be able to enjoy and discuss a shared faith with some really really really great friends, and at the same time, i've been giving the privilege to defend it.
a little about me: i'm a christian, if you're reading this, you probably already know that, but something you probably don't know about me is that i used to hate faith, any faith. and now, now i get to enter into discussions about faith with those who might not be against it... i told someone tonight "don't walk around eggshells near me, cause i don't around you." i want people to tell me exactly what's going on in their brain, why hide what you think? the problem most people have with God is their pre-conceived notions of what he ought to be like... i'm not coming from some kirkegaardian viewpoint of dropping everything you think about God and just blindly following (if that's what kirkegaard actually thought), but seriously, bad experiences at church, denominational interpretations and theological hermeneutics that assume certain understandings... for instance: i know that i'm biased and have my personal interpretations, but at the same time, i can teach and offer several other interpretations of the same ideas... some things in christianity aren't just set in stone, it's a faith for a reason... people ask me why i'm a christian - well, it's the only logical faith. and there's some things that one just has to reason backward about - for instance:
God does things differently than us
Sometimes what God does doesn't make sense
God's reasoning for things is consistent
If we can find God's reasoning for things, then they will make sense to us, even though he does things differently than us.
Jesus taught a backward gospel. "The meek will inherit the earth." Uh... totally. "If you want to be my disciple, you must take up your cross and follow me", "I will give you life and life more abundantly." So, just to get this straight, I need to die in order to live?
One of the assumptions you can make is this: God loves you. Your pain? God feels it? Your loneliness? Jesus died alone. Your addictions? God understands. God is not a god so removed from our situations that he does not understand. He died alone, poor, and really really cares.
But there's hope: he overcame death. Theologians like to talk about what that means, but, whatever it means, it happened. Death wasn't the final say with God. And the hope we can gain from that personally is this - he offers resurrection to us. He offers the removal of death's last word from our life. I really wish i knew where i was going with this, other than, listen, God cares, but he's not one to be bullied by us.
Just because you pray, fast, cut yourself, live an ascetic life, doesn't matter... he won't be pushed into revealing himself. God is omnipresent (he's everywhere) and if you decide to look, you'll see God, and as you practice this skill, you will learn what you're looking for.
This post probably needs a follow-up, but seriously, if i haven't been clear somewhere, comment, i'll respond.
24 February 2010
26 January 2010
reality is in the perception
so, i'm going to try to put together some thoughts, lets see how it goes.
so, we often talk about reality, but it quickly diverges into this metaphysical conversation referencing people like Descartes, Locke, etc... what i want to talk about is our perceptions...
first off, what's real almost doesn't matter, it's what u perceive... when someone says something, it's not the words u actually use, but their interpretation of those words along with the tone, for example:
Person A: "Thank you"
Person B: "Your welcome"
simple, right? well, lets assume both persons are ernest... that's one interpretation, but lets assume Person A is sarcastic, Person B could not have noticed and be earnestly replying, or they could be replying in sarcasm or any other gamut of emotions... now, lets think that Person A is earnest, etc, do u see what i mean?
now, this is such a basic little interpretation, but sometimes people change their own reality. they make a tough decision. now, the normal reaction is to begin justifying that decision as often as they can. it's really quite the phenomenon, even amazing to watch! they begin to perceive things pre-decision in light of the decision. i usually think of this as "they lie to themselves", but it's not that, i'm not sure if i could call it lying, they're simply changing their perceptions in order to be more comfortable with their decision. i cannot blame them for that, i am the same way... so...
what i'm trying to say, is, at some point in your life, your perception of the past will be different than what actually happened, and very different from others who were involved, don't be alarmed, it's natural, but be aware of your own tendency to change your perceptions of things that were and it will help your things that are and things that might be.
so, we often talk about reality, but it quickly diverges into this metaphysical conversation referencing people like Descartes, Locke, etc... what i want to talk about is our perceptions...
first off, what's real almost doesn't matter, it's what u perceive... when someone says something, it's not the words u actually use, but their interpretation of those words along with the tone, for example:
Person A: "Thank you"
Person B: "Your welcome"
simple, right? well, lets assume both persons are ernest... that's one interpretation, but lets assume Person A is sarcastic, Person B could not have noticed and be earnestly replying, or they could be replying in sarcasm or any other gamut of emotions... now, lets think that Person A is earnest, etc, do u see what i mean?
now, this is such a basic little interpretation, but sometimes people change their own reality. they make a tough decision. now, the normal reaction is to begin justifying that decision as often as they can. it's really quite the phenomenon, even amazing to watch! they begin to perceive things pre-decision in light of the decision. i usually think of this as "they lie to themselves", but it's not that, i'm not sure if i could call it lying, they're simply changing their perceptions in order to be more comfortable with their decision. i cannot blame them for that, i am the same way... so...
what i'm trying to say, is, at some point in your life, your perception of the past will be different than what actually happened, and very different from others who were involved, don't be alarmed, it's natural, but be aware of your own tendency to change your perceptions of things that were and it will help your things that are and things that might be.
13 January 2010
a tale from judah
it was a nice day on the judean hillside. warm. it was spring. i was walking through the old city and looking at the amazing structures and then i came across a man. he was sitting a lone. he wasn't begging and from his countenance he needed a friend. so i approached. his beard was short and had gray mixed in with the black. his head was curly, kept neat, but the same stray hairs invaded his capital as well, at least, from what i could see. he wore a turban, very common for these nice days.
i approached and we began small talk. after a few minutes, we got glasses and drank the freshest, cleanest water you could imagine. as we continued, the morning sun slowly turned into the afternoon sun. as it began to beat down on us the conversation took a dramatic turn. this man looked up with solemn, deep eyes, like a man who was torn in two. a warm breeze began to pick up. "i believe my closest friend will bring our country to ruin."
A simple statement. i was confused. did this man want advice? absolution? for what? his crackling, saddened voice continued, "if he continues, we will be at war. i have to betray him. i'm afraid he might be assassinated. the leaders want him arrested but if he continues in what he's doing, though innocent, he might change the mind of the rules, we might be seen as a rebel faction which, i'm afraid, might destroy our land."
as this man spoke, i began to see the picture. An innocent man is frustrating the local rulers, they want to arrest him, but they have nothing to accuse him with, while if he continues as he is, the government might step in and destroy the region as a rebellion...
the man continued, "if i betray him..." he began weaping, "if i betray him, i will always be remembered for it, but if he continues, we will lose our land, our homes, our lives... our future."
and the man broke. at that point, in confusion, i saw something happen. his eyes glazed over like a man ready to kill a rabid pet. he was no longer concerned with love and passion, but duty and purpose. he left me.
as i wonder about that man, i wonder why he did it. was the reward they gave him too much? the man, in his guilt and shame, returned to repent, he made solace through giving his blood money back, and he wondered, "could He ever forgive me? does He love me?" sadly, this man died. he took his own life in grief. we all heard, many wondered, and i doubt he will be remembered favorably.
i approached and we began small talk. after a few minutes, we got glasses and drank the freshest, cleanest water you could imagine. as we continued, the morning sun slowly turned into the afternoon sun. as it began to beat down on us the conversation took a dramatic turn. this man looked up with solemn, deep eyes, like a man who was torn in two. a warm breeze began to pick up. "i believe my closest friend will bring our country to ruin."
A simple statement. i was confused. did this man want advice? absolution? for what? his crackling, saddened voice continued, "if he continues, we will be at war. i have to betray him. i'm afraid he might be assassinated. the leaders want him arrested but if he continues in what he's doing, though innocent, he might change the mind of the rules, we might be seen as a rebel faction which, i'm afraid, might destroy our land."
as this man spoke, i began to see the picture. An innocent man is frustrating the local rulers, they want to arrest him, but they have nothing to accuse him with, while if he continues as he is, the government might step in and destroy the region as a rebellion...
the man continued, "if i betray him..." he began weaping, "if i betray him, i will always be remembered for it, but if he continues, we will lose our land, our homes, our lives... our future."
and the man broke. at that point, in confusion, i saw something happen. his eyes glazed over like a man ready to kill a rabid pet. he was no longer concerned with love and passion, but duty and purpose. he left me.
as i wonder about that man, i wonder why he did it. was the reward they gave him too much? the man, in his guilt and shame, returned to repent, he made solace through giving his blood money back, and he wondered, "could He ever forgive me? does He love me?" sadly, this man died. he took his own life in grief. we all heard, many wondered, and i doubt he will be remembered favorably.
02 January 2010
home
home is where the heart is...
home is where you hang your hat...
home is where your dog's bowl is...
home is where the cat lives...
home is where you lay your head...
home... is a very strange thing. some people see land as home, others, family... i'm not really sure what home is. i think it's probably some sort of emotional thing. some people find home in a pack of cowboy killers... drinks with friends... some people see some sort of club, bar, whatever as home... it's portrayed in movies as that place where you ran away from and are returning to on some epic adventure... but, what IS home? i have no clue, so lets think about this together...
for me, home is in people. but that explanation falls short. when i'm around my family, i often get stir-crazy and want to leave and get 'out there'... when i'm out on some adventure, i often miss the warmth of my own bed... what is with this? the whole world is shit. it seems like i want to enjoy time in a place with the people i love and no issues... maybe, as many Christians talk about it, home is with God... maybe i am just anxious for a new place, a place where hurts don't happen... i love being home for break, but i'm tired of my mom being sick from the chemo... i'm tired of my brother having no common sense and just seeming retarded half the time... i'm tired of my dad being stressed out because the woman he loves is ill... this world sucks... and you know what, there's very little we can actually do about it.
i used to tell people all the time that "we all die alone". it's true. we do. there's nothing you nor i can do about it. death is a purely individual experience... even if someone is there, holding your hand, wiping the sweat from your brow, telling you how much they love you, you'll die alone. even groups of jews, packed into a bunker and gassed, they died alone. i don't mean to offend, i don't mean to be lewd or vulgar, but it's true, it's hard fact. the hard fact of this life is it's fleeting, and before it can get away it's going to suck a lot of the time... and then, then one dies. this existence is fucked up, but it's better to make the best of it before you go.
before i go, i want to return to the topic of home. home, for me, are hill in kathmandu that i have never walked on, with my superman bhai on one side and my pyaro bhai on the other. it's in trees in the jungles of peru with jon... it's in tiny towns in Tennessee with Tanner... sometimes... it's in quiet dorm rooms while friends are letting you play Fallout 3 while they study and sleep before finals... somtimes, it's snow angels in the middle of the road. for me, home is about those times where you could weep for joy, but don't. you could stay, but it's time to leave. you could keep walking, but the daylight is coming. we've all lost a lot, innocence mostly, but we've all lost a lot. somewhere out there, there's a child coming to the realization that this life is hard. there's an old man, forgotten by the family he forgot, dying. alone. and sometimes, sometimes i wonder, is there anything really in this life that has meaning?
if i have never told you, there's a vivid image that comes to mind when i hear a certian louis armstrong song... he was old when it was recorded, but, it's so wonderful, so beautiful. every time it starts to play i can see a hospital bed near a window that overlooks an oak with squirrels in it. it's springtime and people are walking by on the cement side-walk... and you know... that old man never noticed these things, he never thought about them until it was time to die... what a wonderful world, oh yeah...
home is where you hang your hat...
home is where your dog's bowl is...
home is where the cat lives...
home is where you lay your head...
home... is a very strange thing. some people see land as home, others, family... i'm not really sure what home is. i think it's probably some sort of emotional thing. some people find home in a pack of cowboy killers... drinks with friends... some people see some sort of club, bar, whatever as home... it's portrayed in movies as that place where you ran away from and are returning to on some epic adventure... but, what IS home? i have no clue, so lets think about this together...
for me, home is in people. but that explanation falls short. when i'm around my family, i often get stir-crazy and want to leave and get 'out there'... when i'm out on some adventure, i often miss the warmth of my own bed... what is with this? the whole world is shit. it seems like i want to enjoy time in a place with the people i love and no issues... maybe, as many Christians talk about it, home is with God... maybe i am just anxious for a new place, a place where hurts don't happen... i love being home for break, but i'm tired of my mom being sick from the chemo... i'm tired of my brother having no common sense and just seeming retarded half the time... i'm tired of my dad being stressed out because the woman he loves is ill... this world sucks... and you know what, there's very little we can actually do about it.
i used to tell people all the time that "we all die alone". it's true. we do. there's nothing you nor i can do about it. death is a purely individual experience... even if someone is there, holding your hand, wiping the sweat from your brow, telling you how much they love you, you'll die alone. even groups of jews, packed into a bunker and gassed, they died alone. i don't mean to offend, i don't mean to be lewd or vulgar, but it's true, it's hard fact. the hard fact of this life is it's fleeting, and before it can get away it's going to suck a lot of the time... and then, then one dies. this existence is fucked up, but it's better to make the best of it before you go.
before i go, i want to return to the topic of home. home, for me, are hill in kathmandu that i have never walked on, with my superman bhai on one side and my pyaro bhai on the other. it's in trees in the jungles of peru with jon... it's in tiny towns in Tennessee with Tanner... sometimes... it's in quiet dorm rooms while friends are letting you play Fallout 3 while they study and sleep before finals... somtimes, it's snow angels in the middle of the road. for me, home is about those times where you could weep for joy, but don't. you could stay, but it's time to leave. you could keep walking, but the daylight is coming. we've all lost a lot, innocence mostly, but we've all lost a lot. somewhere out there, there's a child coming to the realization that this life is hard. there's an old man, forgotten by the family he forgot, dying. alone. and sometimes, sometimes i wonder, is there anything really in this life that has meaning?
if i have never told you, there's a vivid image that comes to mind when i hear a certian louis armstrong song... he was old when it was recorded, but, it's so wonderful, so beautiful. every time it starts to play i can see a hospital bed near a window that overlooks an oak with squirrels in it. it's springtime and people are walking by on the cement side-walk... and you know... that old man never noticed these things, he never thought about them until it was time to die... what a wonderful world, oh yeah...
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